Lazy Victorian Aristocrat Zombie Emerges From Grave Only To Drink Cola

A lazy Victorian aristocrat, Lord Ernest Shacklepuff, 141, has arisen from the grave last night, but instead of mindlessly killing thousands all he did was break into the Coca Cola shop next to Lazumms Graveyard, Texas. "I was so sad when I died!" said Shacklepuff in an interview with BBC News. "Not 'cos my power had been lost, but 'cos I had no more of that delicious Coke stuff you've seen in the Ye Olde Times."

People have held rallys at Lazumms Graveyard, after 5 attacks from stupid, lazy zombies. "First there was Sir Shucks. He only wanted to eat taco sarnies! Next there was Baron Aniting-Bad. He just partied in the Night Club! And after that, there were Lord Usnot-Controlme, Dame Thepolice and finally Duke Etllecrissps-Talk. I'm fed up!" shouted a protester in March. "I thought 2020 was the year of hope. More like the year of s***!"

Police are currently investigating the scene, but their thoroughly cola-powered machines mean that they cannot be active currently. "My great great grandfather built all our equipment." explains Sheriff Fabled. "He didn't really think that this situation would come, and I don't blame him. What a calamity!"

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Jeff Bezos Accidently Murders 10 Million After Putting Up Animatronic Halloween Decorations

Eccesive billionaire Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, has put up Halloween decorations late, or extremely early, that talk, dance and sing to any visitors nearby. "They've put 8 billion people in hospital! That's more than the entire population on Earth, or maybe, Mars. I would never do that!" says SpaceX CEO Elon Musk after buying the same ornaments. "Erm... scratch that! Butler, book me a flight to Russia! Or some other random country!" Decor company Ornamentron have been criticised for the murders, partly because Bezos can afford to pay for the deaths, but mainly because Devils design the stuff for Ornamentron. Dev Ill is the main designer for the company, who said "Devils have proper skills. You humans are just a bunch of eejits!" Walmart and Best Buy have stepped in to help Amazon protest that the murders are Ornamentron's fault, but they are clearly no match for Ultra-Flame-Fire power. It has been named 'The War Of The Shops'.

Bratwurst Sausage Found On Moon

Yesterday, actor Kiefer Sutherland, discovered a giant sausage on the moon. The amateur astronomer had his telescope pointed at the Earth's celestial neighbour for a spot of late-night astronomising. Upon turning his attention to the Sea of Tranquility, 24 star Sutherland spotted the sausage. "It was incredible. There was no mistaking it. I've seen sausages before and this was a sausage alright, make no mistake, guv'nor." Upon hearing of the remarkable lunar sausage, scientists around the world trained their own telescopes on the sausage. A team of intelligent giraffes at Copenhagen zoo, confirmed Sutherland's discovery. "This is the most remarkable space sausage thus far discovered!" Said Professor Albert Mok-Talulah Radiator, a giraffe. It clearly dwarfs any other sausages found in the Solar System. The sausage is estimated to be 900 metres from tip-to-tip, two hundred metres clear of the Mars Sausage, sitting atop Olympus Mons. In a bizarre twi...

Man Makes Mile Long Pizza With 1000 Toppings

Spanish chef Stuart Jimenez has earned his place in the Guinness Book Of World Records after creating a 1 mile long pizza complete with 500 types of cheese and 500 toppings, including Rosemary, Paper, Squid Ink and Ketchup. The pizza cost over €5000 to make as he had to buy expensive cheeses, including Monterey Jack, Wensleydale and Cream Cheese, rare spices, like BBQ Powder, Cream of Orange and Pine Nut, and of course 10000kg of dough. "It's always been my dream to break a world record." says Stuart. "And now I've got a 1-way ticket to fame." Local food critic Maria Pablo criticised the pizza for being 'a bag of toppings' and that it tasted 'like I'm picking topics out of a hat.' Jeff Bezos is eager to eat the food.

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