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Yesterday, actor Kiefer Sutherland, discovered a giant sausage on the moon. The amateur astronomer had his telescope pointed at the Earth's celestial neighbour for a spot of late-night astronomising. Upon turning his attention to the Sea of Tranquility, 24 star Sutherland spotted the sausage. "It was incredible. There was no mistaking it. I've seen sausages before and this was a sausage alright, make no mistake, guv'nor." Upon hearing of the remarkable lunar sausage, scientists around the world trained their own telescopes on the sausage. A team of intelligent giraffes at Copenhagen zoo, confirmed Sutherland's discovery. "This is the most remarkable space sausage thus far discovered!" Said Professor Albert Mok-Talulah Radiator, a giraffe. It clearly dwarfs any other sausages found in the Solar System. The sausage is estimated to be 900 metres from tip-to-tip, two hundred metres clear of the Mars Sausage, sitting atop Olympus Mons.   In a bizarre twi...

Eccesive billionaire Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, has put up Halloween decorations late, or extremely early, that talk, dance and sing to any visitors nearby. "They've put 8 billion people in hospital! That's more than the entire population on Earth, or maybe, Mars. I would never do that!" says SpaceX CEO Elon Musk after buying the same ornaments. "Erm... scratch that! Butler, book me a flight to Russia! Or some other random country!" Decor company Ornamentron have been criticised for the murders, partly because Bezos can afford to pay for the deaths, but mainly because Devils design the stuff for Ornamentron. Dev Ill is the main designer for the company, who said "Devils have proper skills. You humans are just a bunch of eejits!"  Walmart and Best Buy have stepped in to help Amazon protest that the murders are Ornamentron's fault, but they are clearly no match for Ultra-Flame-Fire power. It has been named 'The War Of The Shops'.

 A lazy Victorian aristocrat, Lord Ernest Shacklepuff, 141, has arisen from the grave last night, but instead of mindlessly killing thousands all he did was break into the Coca Cola shop next to Lazumms Graveyard, Texas. "I was so sad when I died!" said Shacklepuff in an interview with BBC News. "Not 'cos my power had been lost, but 'cos I had no more of that delicious Coke stuff you've seen in the Ye Olde Times ." People have held rallys at Lazumms Graveyard, after 5 attacks from stupid, lazy zombies. "First there was Sir Shucks. He only wanted to eat taco sarnies! Next there was Baron Aniting-Bad. He just partied in the Night Club! And after that, there were Lord Usnot-Controlme, Dame Thepolice and finally Duke Etllecrissps-Talk. I'm fed up!" shouted a protester in March. "I thought 2020 was the year of hope. More like the year of s***!" Police are currently investigating the scene, but their thoroughly cola-powered machines mea...

President Donald Trump lost the election on November 3rd, but continues to protest about there being fraudulent votes which made president-elect Joe Biiden win. With less than 5 weeks left in office, Trump used his $200 million made in incorrect claims to force news brand Fox to write newspaper, and brought an expensive copier. The president was impressed with the Fox Newspaper's first headline, 'Suitcases Of fraud Found in Georgia', so he bought one and copied it one thousand times using his new printer. By three days, the whole city of Washington, DC was forced into a lockdown, not from the pandemic, but from all of the Fox Newspapers glued to every wall, street and window, and of course the national printer ink shortage thanks to Fox's bright and colourful front page. Once the army had been called in to rip every paper off from the buildings, Trump held another speech with his supporters to discuss the current situation. "Sorry if anyone had to starve for a mont...